My Paradox

Diego Martinez

I recently found myself in a unusual state of terror and fear. I’ve had fears my whole life, but they (my fears) have been very specific as of recently.

I never had to deal with these fears of mine actually causing me pain or any type of mental harm, but I always have them. I rarely talk about them because I can never explain them to full detail or without someone asking me a list of questions as to how that fear works.

So, I decided to write about my three biggest fears. Granted, they are actually easy for me to explain them in writing.

People

People. It’s not social anxiety (although that’s a thing to talk about another time) but it’s an irrational fear of people. When I am on the bus, walking on campus or walking down the street, I often start thinking to myself that the people who are around me could just attack me with no reason. They can choose to be kind and say hello, or they can decide to just try to fight me.

I was recently on the train and this person sat uncomfortably too close to me. The train was unusually packed, so I brushed it off due to the circumstances. I was staring at the floor just thinking about the one million possible scenarios I could end up in. This guy can either start up small talk and keep me trapped in a unavoidable conversation or he can murder me there on the train. It’s insane, I know.

One way I have been combating this was just putting my trust on the table. It’s a little vague, I know, but I genuinely just have to tell myself that these people, that I fear will realize they have free will and decide to lunge at me, are just heading to work. That keeps me calm, but with my luck, I will find myself in one of those scenarios eventually.

Perfectionism

Your friends, relationship and self-esteem are things you will begin obsessing over. For example, if your self-esteem relies on your physical appearance, you might develop an addiction to body modifications. I will admit, I do think about how I can change my personality to make myself the perfect friend. You can only change so much about yourself before you’re not yourself.

This leads me into my fear of letting perfectionism change who I am for good. I like to think that I am already a decent person to be around. I occasionally do ask myself if I could change how loud I typically am or how talkative I can be. At some point, I realized that I am constantly changing. This is something I recently began seeing occur in other people’s lives.

I’ve had people apologize to me for something to do with how their personality works. Me being the very concerned and observant person I can be, I began wondering how little much of their true selves (people I enjoy being around) I am seeing. I am afraid that eventually nobody will be themselves anymore.

Honorable mentions

Spiders/Snakes — I don’t think I have to explain this one.

Elevators — I avoid them as much as I can because I hate the idea of being stuck in one. I am taking the stairs.

Large bodies of water — I have no idea what’s deep down there. I also just can’t swim.

Whatever this scene was — Sandy and Patrick were literally murdered and Squidward just stood there.